Kate is NOT Dead
by SarahShalomDavid
Summary: "Kate is not dead", he screams as he throws the bottle of bourbon against the wall in utter frustration. He simply didn't want the truth to be... true


The rain poured down outside casting a dark shadow over the bull pen, rather fitting for the mood that had crept into the place after the death of Caitlin Rose Todd. Her bright smile no longer lit up the bull pen. Her sparkling eyes never shone. Her soft laughter never fluttered around the work place. Her voice never spoke out loud. She was gone.

Jethro had not been seen in over a week, Tony was acting as team leader and Abby was going stir crazy worrying about the silver haired senior agent. She threw her caf pow down on the counter in her lab, the sound echoing in the otherwise silent room. Her lab coat made a soft noise as it was discarded roughly to the ground. Her black braids flicked to the side as she moved hastily on her high platform leather boots towards the bull pen. She had an aim in mind.

McGee looked up with curiosity wondering why Abby was in such a hurry and what she was about to do. Everyone had been off since the death of their co-worker and it was clear that each and every one of them were grieving in their own way. Each and everyone of them missed her more than they wished to admit.

"I'm going to see Gibbs", she declared in a determined voice as she stood in the centre of the room.

The red headed director spoke up, "No... I will Abs you stay here I need you to run those tests again" she said softly

Later in the basement of the abode of Leroy Jethro Gibbs, he sat under the boat with a photo in his hand of himself with the beautiful Kate Todd. She had a rose in her hair and a smile on her face. The sun was shining brightly and in the background you could recognise that it was Venice. Their honeymoon.

"I miss you Katie", he said with a heavy heart and a deep sigh, the bottle of bourbon was now half empty beside him and the plastic wrap from the top was abandoned nearby that highlighted the fact that it had been opened recently. In fact it had been opened that day. He ran a hand through his greying hair and a tear slid down his ageing face.

He missed her more than he could put into words, more than he could physically admit to anyone. He wanted her back in his arms, he wanted her to be safe from harm. He wished it was him instead of her.

But it wasn't.

First Shannon and now Kate. He didn't know how he was going to cope with losing a second wife. He thought he had forever. Kate was different to the ex wives that came after Shannon. He loved her more than all of those put together. He saw perfection in her imperfections as did she in him.

The sound of footsteps overhead made him look up, "Kate?" he called out, hoping it was her. Hoping the woman he loved, the woman of his dreams had returned. He knew it was impossible. He had held her body to his chest and sobbed after a bullet had sliced through her head. He had seen the light instantly fade from her eyes. He had felt the lack of heart beat and the absence of breathing. He had heard the paramedics tell him that she was gone. He had carried her body to the ambulance. He had sat in autopsy with her body in a bag, her face peering out from it and him on the floor so that she wouldn't be left alone in the cold room. He loved her. She loved him.

"Just me Jethro", Jenny said softly as she descended the stair case to the bottom of the basement where her eyes met the mess that had become of his basement. Bottles were strewn on the side, he hadn't shaved since Kate's death and he hadn't taken a bath either. She could tell. Take out boxes were scattered on the floor and side along with traces of spilt alcohol. Photos of the past were scattered amongst them. Wedding photos. Honeymoon photos. Random photos of them together. They were happy. The smile on his face in the photos was such a contrast to his appearance now that you would have thought it to be a different man.

He slumped back down, the look of defeat smothering his features, the wrinkles seemed deeper, his hair more grey and his eyes seemed lost. The happiness had gone. His eyes had lost the sparkle that Kate gave them. His smile was gone, the smile that was always caused by the woman he loved. Loves. The carefree Jethro, the happy Jethro that they had come to know, had gone. He was replaced by a shadow of a man that had been.

Jenny gradually walked over and sat beside him, "We were worried about you Jethro", she said softly to him as she wrapped an arm around him. It was her turn to comfort him as he had done for her many times before. She wasn't used to seeing him like this. So vulnerable. So broken. So down.

Jethro made a motion that looked like a nod but said nothing, "I miss her Jen", he said broken heartedly, "I miss her" he said as his eyes gently closed and a tear fell from his face. He was always the strong marine. He was always the strength of the team that held everyone else together. Not today. Today he was the man who had lost his wife. Today he was the grieving widow.

The director nodded, "I know Gibbs, we all do" she said leaning her head on him, "But she's gone and she wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself. Looking yourself away like this and hiding from the world. and you know she wouldn't want you drinking the way you are."

Jethro grabbed the bottle suddenly and threw it against the opposite wall. Grunting with frustration, "She is not dead" he said with annoyance in his voice

Jenny sighed and bit her lip, "but Gibbs..." she began to protest, although not truly knowing how to put it or what to say to the man

"But nothing Abs, she is not dead", he sighed with tears streaming down his face, "She can't be... she just... she can't" he said breaking down in a heap on the concrete floor.

The woman wrapped her arms around him, "Come on lets get you upstairs to bed"

He nodded, mumbling to himself, photo in hand as he went towards the stairs with no coordination what so ever. Jenny almost had to carry him to the bedroom, supporting him the whole way and not trusting him on the stairs in his drunken state.

It would take a while for him to come to terms with her death, and he wished what he had said was true. Kate was not dead. Unfortunately the truth is not always what you want to hear. It is not always the outcome you wanted. It is not always in line with what you wanted to happen. She was gone.


End file.
